July 05, 2005
CONFESSIONS OF A VIDEO VIXENExcerpt from the most scandalicious book of the summer...sorry KiKi
Confessions of aVideo Vixen
April 2000. I did experience genuine happiness around this time. I became involved with a young man. I was twenty-one, emotionally going on thirty-five, and he had just turned eighteen but physically looked much younger. I had seen him at a party the day before we met. We noticed each other, and those three seconds became six as we moved in slow motion around each other. Just as quickly, I blinked and he was gone. The following night, after another party, a girlfriend said she knew him and would take me to his house. Although he had just turned eighteen, he already had his own home and vehicle and lived very much the life of an adult. We were let in by his cousin, who said Ray was sleeping upstairs. Soon Ray stumbled down the stairs, having just been woken up and coming off a late night out. His eyes opened wide and were immediately drawn to me. Almost like there were clouds under his feet, he floated toward me and we were introduced. “Hi, I’m Ray.” You know him as Ray J, the younger brother of singer Brandy. Not much else about that night was committed to my memory, but it began one of the happiest times in my life. It was easy to fall in love with Ray. He brought back a part of my youth that had been stolen from me years before. Ray was single, with no children, which equaled no drama. And at that time I lived my life the same way. So much so that I never told Ray about my son-or anything else about me for that matter. When I went out with him, I felt ‘official.’ I was a girlfriend, and that’s entirely different from being just a lover.
Ray and I spent months together as I juggled him and Papa like a circus act. My relationship with Ray made Papa uncomfortable and even furious. Papa knew everything about me and accepted me just the way I was, but the one thing he could never tolerate was me loving someone else. And I loved Ray J. It was the first time since Papa and I met that I had given so much attention to another man. It was not normal, and Papa didn’t appreciate the change. Now, when Papa needed me, I wasn’t always available. This new relationship was special to me because with Ray J., I had someone to spend time with in public, as a couple. We held hands and let people know we were together. I was proud of that. Because Ray is a member of a tight-knit, well-known family, it’s not surprising that they didn’t approve of me. They knew I was older than him and they were concerned for him. What’s more, before meeting me, Ray had just gotten out of a relationship with one of the members of the girl group 702. His family had become accustomed to her being a part of his life, and here I was--a virtual stranger. Eventually, however, certain members of his family accepted us and we were free to enjoy our relationship. When Ray and I made love, we would go for hours on end, each hour more satisfying than the last. Being with Ray was always sweet and innocent. His kisses were long and his lips were full and light as they met mine. He was young and still a bit inexperienced, and shied away from oral sex, but he would kiss all around my lower regions and make my body quiver just the same. It was with Ray that I discovered my ability to orgasm without penetration or copulation. I would be excited just from his touch. Ray was with me because he liked me. It was pure and this purity was so new to me that it had become more erotic than being with any other lover. After our lovemaking, we would pass out, him holding me and me feeling loved. Ray and I created a stir around town and people began to wonder what it was that I saw in him. He was so young and wasn’t yet respected as a major player among men. What no one could have possibly realized was that it took a younger man to make me feel young again. We were silly together, and we enjoyed spending long afternoons and nights together. We saw our favorite movies, like Big Momma’s House, starring Martin Lawrence and Nia Long, three or four times and enjoyed them each time as if it were the first time. I felt free with Ray. He awakened a desire in me to get my youth back and hold on tight.
[During the time Steffans was involved with Ray J, she was still sleeping with Ja Rule, Fred Durst, ’Papa’, and Dr. Dre.]
I hopped back on the merry-go-round and ran back to Ray, back to that place where I was safe and where having sex felt natural. Around this time, Ray had begun to work on an album. I remember vividly the night he recorded the song that would change everything. ’Where Do We Go from Here’ was a song about meeting someone and spending so much time with them, even beginning to love them, and wanting to know if it could, or should, be more. Ray stood in the recording booth, belted out that song, and accompanied it with tears. He cried, and I cried witnessing it. I loved this boy so much and wanted nothing more than to stay with him. But I knew that one day, I would have to go, that one day he would know who I had been with and render me unworthy of the affection he was now showing me. As much as I loved Ray, I was too deep in my lifestyle, with an undeniable reputation, to go back. I was still greedy. I wanted it all. I wanted Ray’s love. I wanted the carefree bling-filled lifestyle of hanging out with the likes of Ja and the laid-back, mind-blowing sex and friendship I relished with Papa. And more than anything, I wasn’t ready to settle down. The first time I’d tried to settle down with a man led to my wanting to die. I wasn’t going back there. So I knew the end of me and Ray was near and inevitable. Later that night, when the recording of the song was finished, we lay in bed and played it over and over. We held on to each other and cried silently. It was all so overwhelming, and I knew that night he loved me, too. Before long, it was time for him to go away and record in Atlanta. I knew the separation would be difficult, but I really thought we could make it. What I didn’t know was that by this time, Ray was beginning to find out about me, and we were growing apart. I deeply wished I were someone different--that I was a normal girl without all the baggage, the sordid past. But I was who I was, and I had done what I had done. It was impossible to turn back. I couldn’t undo all of the abuse and the men. If he wanted to leave, I couldn’t stop him. Hell, I couldn’t blame him. What I could do, what I was also very good at, was run. And that’s what I did. I ran right to Papa again. I ran to the man who accepted me and away from the boy I knew couldn’t afford it. He was still in an impressionable stage of his life, and just the way I had swept in and made him think I was wonderful, his friends and peers in the industry would soon prove to him that the image I portrayed was all an illusion. I almost wanted Ray to hate me so we could end it right there, quickly. In order to protect my heart, I wanted to let him go first because I knew he was about to do the same to me. So that’s what I did. Late on a Saturday night, I called Ray and told him all about me and Papa. Naturally, he wasn’t happy. He said some awful things to me, called me horrible names, and slammed down the phone. What he couldn’t have known is that for the next six months, I cried every day for him. I genuinely missed him more than I’d missed any other man I’d ever known. When he hung up that night, it closed the door on a relationship that I still treasure. However, this thing with me and Ja wouldn’t stop. We spent a lot of time together, and as the months passed, he gained more and more notoriety as an artist and as a Hollywood bachelor. There were girls everywhere, and my position in his life became blurred. I was beginning to feel as if my time with him would be up soon. How right I was……
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